Everywhere I Look

My face is everywhere I look today. My face is on every university newspaper I see. Prop 2 passes, by an incomprehensible margin – and my face is everywhere.

I’m masking the pain, claiming that this doesn’t hurt so much because my city, my county turned it down. It’s an empty attempt though, this does hurt, and those that hate us merely laugh that Travis is alone in this fight. Liberal Haven isn’t much threat to the Believers.

I have come to realize many things in just the few moments I’ve allowed myself to experience this stinging. I now see why we can’t manage to hold stable and meaningful relationships, I see the slippery slope, I feel the hate, the contempt.

My solitary and most cherished fear in all of this is dying alone. It always has been, and always will be. A man can be comforted by his wife as he dies peacefully, or painfully, while strapped to a hospital bed. Her face is the last thing he can see before the end. He will know love in his very last moments on earth. I might not. I might not see my love’s face, to feel his tight grip on a weakening hand as I slip from the bonds of this life, no kiss.

They claim, “This would never happen!” “Doctors could not keep you apart!” “That’s not the intent of the law!” And he claims, my family claims, “We wouldn’t let that happen!” But the sobering reality is – it could. I could lie alone, despised in my last moments on earth, while they argue with some bigot who is intent on gaining entry to Heaven by denying their requests, their pleas.

They claim that we don’t deserve the same things because we don’t have committed relationships – that we don’t know how – that we don’t want to. Put aside mentions of the scores of us that prove this wrong, that we love each other all the same. Their slippery slope keeps us from doing that. Their protection of those things sacred to them fundamentally denies us the very things they say we should have.

I cannot lie. They make me question my fitness to love, my fitness to have a meaningful relationship. You hear their lies enough and you begin to believe everything – even if they are just lies. I fear marriage, I fear commitment because of these things, and because I cannot promise to him that beyond any reasonable doubt that I can be at his bedside when he leaves me. How can I promise to love someone like they say I should, If I can’t even do that simple of a thing, not to mention easily protect each other from legal and financial attack, adopt or have children, hold hands in public.

Hold hands in public. Not just “friendly South Congress” public – I mean everywhere public. We simply can’t do that. We would feel the hate, sense the contempt. Does anyone have the faintest idea of the strength it takes to maintain self-respect, a sense of dignity, a cherished grace from day to day?

It is often pled, “Why do you have to call them ‘your people.’ Aren’t we all the same? There isn’t any difference between what you are and what we are.” And no, there is not – in such a Technicolor view of our world. But we are different, because we are called abnormal, told we are going to unspeakable places when we die, told that our love is not real. You do not have that. And for that I admire you every day of my life.

From you though, we find sympathy, we find compassion. We find love, support, open minds, and a willingness to stand. You willingly put yourselves into harm’s way, risk much to stand for my people. And for that I will be eternally grateful.

From our people, we find empathy. We cry together, we know the pain, we share the hurt and toil. This binds us together as a different kind of family, but a family nonetheless. And in that way, some of us are lucky. We have you, we have our people; we are people lucky enough to have two families.

I fear though what happens to our children. The ones that see all that goes on, see the evil and hate, see that they are not wanted. Children will die because of this – they will see that their love isn’t cherished, isn’t wanted. They are told their people will bring the downfall of the family and society. Is it any wonder they will take their lives in order to spare the world, commit the ultimate act of self-sacrifice in order to save a world they feel their existence dooms?

I grieve for myself, I grieve for the one I love, I grieve for those that love and support me, I grieve for both my families. None of this compares though to what I know our children feel. Right now they are hurting more than any person should ever have to hurt.

All that is left to do now is talk about these things. Be there to support each other, continue to love, to take a stand. As is often the case at these times, we feel like giving up, calling a stop to everything, resigning ourselves to the fate which those that hate us have convinced us we should live with.

But that won’t do. That is unacceptable. We won’t play that game anymore. It is time to change the rules. It is time to heal. It’s time to start talking.

They claim that theirs a battle for the hearts and minds of America. Ours will be a battle for the souls of our children, our families and ourselves.

We win. They lose. That’s how we play this game.